Friday, October 24, 2014

How I Wound Up on Connie's Flier - Stranger than Truth

 You may be surprised by the flier Connie's campaign team, Strip Club Lobbyist Mitch Edelstein and Strip Club Lobbyist Randy Hilliard, put out this week to show support for Mayor Kreps.  

Now it's no secret that the Mayor's core constituency are not very attractive on fliers, but it was a weird decision to use me as an example of her supporter, since I think Connie and all of us would benefit greatly from her spending some time in a quiet, well staffed facility for the bewildered.  

But she also included Lori Blue listed as a community activist but doesn't live here and nobody knows her.  This is what I found on Google but I don't know if it's her.  

Anyway, Kreps' campaign leaks like a sieve and I had already been told that they were planning this.  (Seriously, Connie, they tell me everything.) I don't have the actual wires since this time her campaign manager decided not to wear one but I present below what may have happened.  The names have been changed to protect the guilty but this is pretty much how it came down.  

The Scene: Brainstorming Session at the 
Committee to Re-Elect the Mayor (CREEM) Campaign HQ
Apartment 1511 in The Cardboard Towers,

Cast of Characters:

Carolina Dura-Mare, goes by “Cara Dura” – an aging, vague woman running for mayor.
Imperio Tenía, goes by “Two-Times” - a Former Vice Mayor and current Cardboard Towers Caudillo
Dan Hildegard, goes by Dandy – A strip club lobbyist running the campaign.
Snitch Edelweiss – Strip club promoter and social media troll.

DANDY: Madame Mare, we’re in big trouble here. Brito keeps talking about real things and we’re losing it with the voters who can read. Our mailers were a bust, especially that first one. Pointing out that Brito is a hero, well, that wasn’t exactly your brightest idea.

CARA DURA: I was going to take over the world. But then I saw something shiny…

DANDY: We need a kick ass mailer. Something that will punch voters in the gut. Literally. Something to get them off their butts and to the polls.

SNITCH: I could go around and punch them in the knee. I can't reach above the belt but I can punch below the belt with the best of them. Everyone says so!

DANDY: Did I say “literally”? I meant “not literally”. Anyway, no knee punches. We need a good mailer. Snitch, are you wearing a wire again?

SNITCH: No, Dandy man, I swear on my eyes. No wires anymore. Wait! I know. A mailer with quotes from all her supporters! Bright shiny references!

DANDY: Good idea. Everyone, let's go. Give me names and quotes.

CARA DURA: Shiny? I see shiny things all the time and sometimes the bad voices tell me to hurt them but I don't. Usually I don't but the voices are so loud...

TWO TIMES: You could use my quotes because I used to be mayor I think and when I was mayor it was really unfair because they call me vice mayor but I say I am mayor because I have no vice and then they call me “Two Times” because I pay two city managers and two police chiefs and two attorney firms because that's not right since the first ones were paid by people who were not me and who had communication problems and then I won the election except for the votes I lost but everyone know that I am real mayor not two time vice former...

(He stops when there is a loud crash outside and runs to see the source.)

CARA DURA: Where is the shiny thing? I had it. It was a red dot around here somewhere! Did a bad personality hurt it again?

DANDY: Snitch, we’ve lost her. We need her back in stat or we’re doomed. CARA! Look at me. Right here. That’s it. Good girl. This is a simple question. Are you ready?

CARA DURA: Yes, Dandy. Are we done?

DANDY: [patiently] CARA, that wasn’t the question. This is: WHO-ARE-YOUR-SUPPORTERS?


TWO TIMES: Coño, the balcony fell off again and it's just lucky that I am presidente for life at this building or nobody would do any maintenance when the balconies keep falling off and I tell people “no more using the balconies” but they do anyway and then they fall off like the time the Sopranos filmed a falling off balcony scene but that was just a person not a whole balcony. You could use that.

DANDY: Thank you, Two Times, but we need to focus on the current mayor. CARA, any supporters at all?

CARA DURA: Supporters? Hmmmm. Well, you know. All those people who voted for me even though I never ran. You know. What’s his name… And my neighbor. Oh, that woman at the grocery store who told me she liked my sweater. All those people. Are we done now?

SNITCH: Dandy, we’re in big trouble. I don't think no one likes her no more. We’ll have to just make up some supporters. I'll get the inactive voter list. Those dough heads don’t even know there’s an election. They’ll never know we used their names.

DANDY: Sure, Snitch. Let’s look at that list.



CARA DURA: The blogger! What’s his name? You know, the blogger. He talks to me and sometimes only I hear him. I know he likes me because he always worries about my health. He’ll say nice things about me.

DANDY: Um, Cara, I’m not sure how to break this to you, but he’s not a fan. Actually, he despises you. And laughs at you. He’s been working on Brito’s campaign. I really don’t think…

CARA DURA: Oh, pooh!


CARA DURA: Yes. POOH!. Talk to the BLOGGER. He knows I’m a big fan. I love my gays. They’re so, well, you know, gay.

Ask Richard! Or Richard's son, David. They're gay too.

How come Richard has a son the same age? I know he's his son because he said “I'm David. Richard's son.”

I’m like their Liza. Gays love me like NASCAR Dads love Liza. And Barbra and Judy…. Oooooh! Look! A butterfly. ¡Qúe cute! Oh, it's a palmetto. Now I'm sad. Are we done yet?

SNITCH: Dandy, I don't think this is going to go down, do you? Let's bag it.

DANDY: Listen up, pixie dick! We need to get something out. Get some sound bites from the blogger and see if we can’t spin some sugar out of them. Then find someone who doesn't live here and doesn't know the place. Make sure you get one of those people without penises since they're allowed to vote now, and have her endorse. Then add in some guy who never did anything for the Village because that's our base. It's our job and we're honor bound by our ethical code as strip club lobbyists, damnit!

(DANDY and SNITCH look at each other and then laugh hysterically until SNITCH sees the big wet spot pooling around his crotch and the wire he was wearing stuffed in his Underoos starts sparking. Then he starts to cry.)

DANDY:  Cara Mia , we’re going now. Don’t worry about a thing. But we got to split. There are single moms on a pole waiting for a few snitch bucks. We'll send the letters as soon as we change Snitch's Depends.

SNITCH: Shut up. I spilled water, that's all. And the wire was to keep me warm.

CARA DURA: Well, cover the letter to Daddy in heaven above with kisses. The postman said that's best to do.

(CARA DURA begins to sing softly: I've written a letter to Daddy, To Daddy in Heaven Above. I've written 'Dear Daddy, I miss you...')

(Another Loud Crash)

TWO TIMES: Santa Mierda! The roof blew off. Where's the Elmer's glue?

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