Who Do You Have To Tickle To Get A Traffic Ticket Fixed Around Here?

Among the words I may to have to eat someday are, "I'm glad that the North Bay Village Police have stepped up enforcement on the Causeway."   I am glad.  All of us see the crazy speeding, reckless turning and overall bad driving on the Causeway.  

The police have made a more aggressive effort to get people to cut that crap out and I delight in seeing drivers pulled over.  Of course, if I pull some boneheaded move, I reserve my right to complain bitterly and threaten consequences but right now, it's working for me.  

But not for everyone.  

A longtime resident of North Bay Village was pulled over on the Causeway for:

• Speeding
• Changing lanes without a signal
• Not wearing a seatbelt.  

In the time honored tradition of North Bay Village where there is a better class of people overall, the elderly driver explained to the officer that she has lived here since Biscayne Bay was a puddle, was good friends with the mayor, Mrs. Kreps, and could name the other commissioners.   Also she was late for her doctor's appointment.  

In violation of all that is holy and decent in North Bay Village, the young whippersnapper of a policeman still gave her a ticket, but because she was such a nice old lady, the ticket was only for not wearing a seatbelt.  

Now we all the know the legally correct way to handle a ticket in North Bay Village is to drop it in the mayor's mailbox with a note saying "Take care of this." and leave the  country for a few months.  Paying your debt to society and moving on with your life?  That's more of an El Portal thing.  Besides, the Latest Generation who survived both disco and pet rocks needs some consideration.  

Our mayor, who is all about constituent service, attempted to do as instructed and took the envelope with the ticket, dropped it with the village clerk with instructions to give it to the manager for him to "take care of."  

Now our manager, a mainlander, apparently misunderstood what "take care of this" means and thought perhaps the mayor wanted the police to make the ticket go away which was totally not what the mayor intended.   

You see, unlike the foreign lands to the east (Miami Beach) and the west (City of Miami), in North Bay Village, the protocol for dealing with a traffic ticket is:

• Explain to the officer how long you have lived here.  
• Discuss your close personal relationships with the elected officials.  
• Listen attentively as the ticketing officer explains that you can pay the fine or contest the ticket at a hearing.
• Drop the ticket in the mayor's mailbox with a note saying "Take care of this."  
• The mayor then contacts the village manager saying "Take care of this." 
• The manager then gives it to the police chief saying "Take care of this." 
• The police chief then gives it to the ticketing officer saying "Take care of this." 
• The ticketing officer then goes to the traffic violator's who has left the country for an extended period and explains to a friend of the ticket recipient that the way to take care of the ticket is to pay the fine or contest the ticket.  

In a shocking lapse of protocol, the manager and the village attorney decided that "take care of it" might mean something extra legal and so decided to seek the opinion of the Commission on Ethics about this procedure, with the unspoken question of whether the mayor was implying that the ticket should go away.  

Fortunately, the Commission on Ethics, a group of politicos in the witness protection program headed by Let 'Em Go Joe Centorino, were all "What?  How could 'Take Care of This?" mean anything at all but the process explained above and ruled that it was just an attempt to harass an elderly resident by holding her accountable for her traffic violations and an attempt to be really mean to an elderly mayor with issues by applying non-crazy standards to her behavior.  

The mayor is naturally outraged that she was badly maligned but she has not been spending her time cutting letters out of newspapers and gluing them to anonymous threatening letters she totally never sends.  What with that other investigation and all that. 

And that's the latest in North Bay Village.  For your reading pleasure, you can click here to read the full Commission on Ethics report.  

Kevin Vericker

July 20, 2017